Archive for October, 2010

For many years, I found myself in a pattern of constant “overdoing”. I thought that if I kept doing many things at once that I would be more productive and a master multi-tasker. Over time I could see that that my “overdoing” wasn’t really that effective after all. In fact, it kept me so busy that I missed out on opportunities that were right in front of me. After recognizing this I made a conscious effort to slow down and start to work on one thing at a time, or so I thought.

When I get into super work mode, I get a rush of urgency. This urgent feeling that everything has to get done right now, this moment, causes me to push aside every other thing in my life so I can address specific tasks efficiently and with hyper-accuracy (hear the perfectionist in that one?). I start working like what I believe is a well-oiled machine, but in reality I ignore every human need I have. I forget to take breaks and hydrate myself, meal times get pushed around, anything somewhat relaxing is a not allowed, and I start skimping out on how much time I will allow myself to sleep. I am sure I get indicators that something is wrong, but I ignore them and keep pushing on. Then I convince myself that everything is fine.

Then it happened. After months of following this pattern, I started to get all sorts of ailments. They came on suddenly and strong, I found myself in bed with a few different infections and am completely unable to do anything but lie in bed. I am forced to put work aside and just be. It took a week to recover from my last bout of stress-induced illnesses, and as soon as I was well I found my self being drawn toward the urgency of getting stuff done. But something interesting happened this time: my neck and back became so tight I could barely move them and there I was lying down again. I guess the universe decided to take matters in it’s own hands and force me to relax.

Inevitably I took the hint and slowed down and got into a peaceful working grove. I was feeling good about it until one day I felt the rush of pressure re-emerge. It felt like I was being pushed down by all of these thoughts about how I wasn’t getting enough done and how I needed to be further along with my projects. Then I felt the crappiness of tension creep in and what did I do next? Even though it was way past lunchtime, I was starving, I’d had a rough morning and probably needed a break; I picked up a bunch of folders and went to my computer to work on a project. See, for me work was the drug. For others, this might be where they grab some cookies or watch TV endlessly or do some other behavior to avoid what they are really feeling. Something different happened this time though. Halfway up the stairs I stopped and said to my self “what are you doing?’ It was in that moment that I became aware that I was falling back into my pattern of self-sabotage. I marched right back down the stairs made myself lunch and allowed myself to relax for just a few moments. What caused the shift? I became aware. I saw the feelings bubbling up, tried to avoid them, and in the simple act of just noticing I stopped the pattern and restored my sanity.

A part of me will always be a perfectionist and will always be a workhorse, but I have learned something very significant: I know when to stop. Those elements of my personality will always be playing in the background, but now I know how to rein them in. I choose how I want to think and be in my work and in the world. I am now very comfortable giving myself permission to take a break and take care of myself. For me, it has been not only knowing when to stop, but also when to pause and take the time to meet the needs of my body. I have also accepted that I am a work in progress and this belief alone has helped me tremendously. What could you become aware of if you took a moment and just stopped?