Archive for May, 2011

Bravery, it’s a big word. At least I thought it was. Then I noticed during my time in Texas that people were using it often and directing it at me. At first I was kind of shocked by it, but then I realized it’s all in the way you perceive it.


To me, bravery meant performing a huge, courageous act like fighting in a war or escaping from an oppressive regime. All the things Hollywood movies are made of. That’s what bravery meant to me.


Then I began to understand it in a much smaller, simpler way.


I moved to Texas alone with my dog Aspen. I left behind my husband, family, friends, a beautiful quiet home, and all that was familiar. I had a handful of friends there but none of them lived closed by and were often occupied with the demands of their daily lives.


So it was just Aspen and I.


“Alone?” was the first thing people would say to me when I first met them. The second thing people would say is “You’re so brave”, often followed by “I could never do that”.


Before that point I had never thought of it as brave. I just thought of it as something I wanted to do. Had to do. Since I had left New Mexico 13 years ago I had this aching in my soul to return to the Southwest. One weekend last May I visited Austin and following my intuition, I decided I was going to get a place there for a few months. I loved my husband and my family, so it was never about abandonment. It was about following my heart. It never seemed brave to me.


Then finally I got it. People thought I was brave because I followed my gut. Was it scary? Yes. Was it lonely? Of course. But I did it anyway.


That’s the place where many of us get stuck. We want to be brave, but let the big F word, FEAR, override our instinct. Going past the fear is a brave act for many.


A part of me did not completely feel comfortable with this “brave” label. It made me feel separate from other people. The truth of the matter is that so many of us are brave in our own way.


Here’s just a few personal acts of bravery I see everyday:


1.  Creating art, music, or a business, just because you love it.

2.  Being honest with a family member about how you really feel.

3.  Saying yes to a new experience, no matter how big or small.

4.  Saying no to people when your plate is actually too full.


What are your acts of personal bravery? Share them here…

I recently watched an interview with James Frey, author of “A Million Little Pieces”. Oprah was interviewing him a few years after their fall out over the truthiness issue.


Frye was sharing how he had written “A Million Little Pieces” by sitting alone in a room everyday for 9 to 10 years writing. Initially upon hearing that my thought was “torture!” Then he went on to say it was like complete freedom. Huh? He wrote about whatever he wanted to write about in any way he felt like writing it. There were no rules and no one telling him what to do. No one knew what he was doing so there were no expectations.


EXPECTATION. Then it hit me. EXPECTATION is one of those words that create a tight knot in your stomach, that seems impossible to release at times. Why? Because it is totally outside of our control. We are basing our feelings, our thoughts, our worth, our belief in ourselves by how others will respond to us. What if we don’t meet their expectations? What if what we do is not good enough, smart enough, shiny enough, or brilliant enough. What if they simply say we suck?


Yes, expectation is a confidence killer and freedom eliminator.


Even after the bad publicity he received after the public found out he embellished his memoir (it was really more of a fictional work), he went on to write again. When asked how it affected him he said “It was like I got my freedom back. No one expected me to ever write again so I could do whatever I wanted.” He had initially written about his life falling apart and gained notoriety. Then when it fell apart into another million pieces he spun it around again by letting go of expectations.


Get the clue?


Ditch your expectations of yourself. When you let go of that, you are FREE. And with freedom comes a clear mind and healthy body. That knot in your stomach that used to turn into days of discomfort and pain will release because you have freed it. When you let go, it lets go.


When you flip that switch, not only do you gain clarity, a relaxed body, but life becomes fun again. Yes, FUN. It may seem a little uncomfortable at first, but the more freedom and less expectation you give yourself the more you allow easy and creative into your life.

I met with a new client this week. Though she was new to me, her story was a familiar one that I had heard from many clients. She came to me regarding a lack of confidence in the workplace. She wanted to be more assertive and play a bigger role, but was crippled by feelings of indecision and self-doubt. When I asked her why she didn’t assert herself more in the workplace she said she simply didn’t know enough. In my work with clients I have found that this is not true 99% of the time.


When I asked about her qualifications she proceeded to tell me about two very impressive degrees along with a job at a preeminent national medical agency. She did in fact “know enough”; but she didn’t believe it.


That’s the funny thing about the letters after your name and the allure of working at a prestigious organization. They mean absolutely nothing if you don’t believe in yourself, your abilities, and what you offer to the world.


The truth is no one is going to tell you that you are good enough and know enough. It’s up to you.


So how do you do that?


1)  Examine the beliefs behind your indecision.

2)  Find tons of evidence about who you are at your core that proves that you are good enough.

3)  Look at all of your ideas and accomplishments from where you would like to be (i.e. a place of confidence).

4)  Recognize that you know enough to move forward right now.


When the self-doubt appears, find a mantra. Before walking into a situation or picking up the phone, connect with what you are feeling. Meet the self-doubt with a phrase that empowers you. By repeating this phrase over time you will be able to break past the self-doubt and just do it. You will be changing the message coming from your mind, which is a large step in having the confidence to move forward.