Archive for June, 2011

Here’s just a few thoughts I have heard from my clients this week:


I hate my job and it is ruining my life.

I can’t have any fun unless I am pain free.

I am worthless because I haven’t written a best selling novel.

I can’t be happy unless… insert any situation here.


These thoughts can drive you crazy, if you let them.


I like to call this thoughts gone wild syndrome. It starts with one self-defeating thought and then it turns into mind swirl so huge that you feel depressed in about 5 minutes because you’ve already created a full-blown personal catastrophe. At that moment it seems easy to give up on attaining your dream before you even get started.


The problem lies not only in what you’re thinking, but what you are feeling.


I’ve had my share of experience with the thoughts gone wild syndrome and here’s how I approach it:


I had a pretty bad week last week. I had a myriad of things going on personally and I could feel them weighing me down.


My thoughts were cloudy. I felt upset, sad, angry, and all kinds of other crappy feelings were emerging.


Yes, even a coach has a bad day.


However, it’s not about the day being bad or good it’s how you choose to navigate through it.


Instead of following the path of resistance which in my case would be:


a) Ignoring my emotions or


b) Fighting my emotions by coming up with tons of reasons I should be positive in that exact moment, I allowed myself to just sit there and be in the sensations of those emotions.


I experienced them in a way where I was not getting more depressed, moping around or taking it out on others. I sat in it as the watcher (Thanks Martha Beck).


I curiously observed it, heard what it was telling me, and watched my reaction or my non-reaction to that message. By being the watcher I wasn’t reacting to every emotional wave and I wasn’t being the victim. I was allowing myself to experience the emotions and to watch how they were affecting my body and mind, but not attaching to them. When you to allow them to be there you won’t feel like you’re struggling against reality.


When you feel that jolt of reaction and see your thoughts going wild this is what you can do:


1. Allow yourself to feel what you want to feel without rules, without doing it right, and without fixing it.

2. Become the watcher. Watch how your emotions change, how your emotions respond to your thoughts and vice-versa. Observe them and notice if they changing on their own. Or are you forcing them?

3.Write them down in a journal. Set a timer and write down the thoughts that are driving you crazy.

4. Don’t resist them. When you write about them and see them on paper you will begin to realize that they are just a story.


And like any story they can be changed.


But here’s the catch: the new story will only stick if it is coming from the authentic place within you who knows exactly what you need and how to get it. You get to that place by accessing your emotions, listening to what your body’s reaction is telling you, and then creating thoughts that are in harmony with your unique personal wisdom.


And when the thoughts go wild again, which they surely will, just repeat the process.


It’s all about practice baby!

Here’s a short and sweet list I shared with my e-zine readers on how to move away from struggle and towards joy.


1. Rest: The most important thing we can do to nourish our mind and body. However, many of us put it last on the list and squeeze in whatever amount of time meets our minimum requirements. Focus on getting as much rest as possible, you’ll see a shift in your energy and your thoughts about what you can accomplish.


2. Change Your Thinking: Instead of focusing on why you can’t do something, change the wording. Focus on how you can do it.


3. Create Habits: Identify what activities you need daily to live your optimal life. Create habits that incorporate these activities into your everyday routine.


4. Add Fun: Adding a fun activity to your daily routine, even if it is just 5 minutes, will enhance your mood and increase your energy level. Shifting into our right brain helps us release stress and tension, as well as promoting creativity. You need the creativity to help you devise a workable plan to get what you want.

“So it’s okay to be unhappy?” a client recently asked me. Yes, yes, and yes! I’ve been noticing that some of my clients think that it is not okay (and even down right wrong) to have any feeling that is not positive. “But I’ve been trying to follow the law of attraction so I have been telling myself to avoid all negativity and be positive”. How boring and completely unrealistic, I thought. Law of attraction is a great tool, but it requires you to be real about your emotions.


Sadly too many of us believe that we have to be solely focused on being nice, responsible, and doing the right thing. In the process we ignore our true feelings. And not only do we ignore them, when they resurface we dismiss the emotions completely as if it’s a bad germ we’re afraid to catch. The problem with that kind of thinking is it leads to a lot of stuffed in emotions. If you can imagine a pillow getting overstuffed, that’s what’s happening in your body when you stuff down those emotions. The key to success in your life is recognizing that having feelings whether they are good, bad, or ugly is actually a blessing.


Why?


When we experience emotions, they provide us with critical knowledge about what we need. The problem arises when we deny them.


When we get into a cycle of resistance towards our emotions the following things happen:

1) The emotions keep coming back as nagging thoughts.

2) You stuff them in you body so they manifest themselves as some kind of ache or pain.

3) They stop you from getting what you want.


The important part of feeling our emotions is that they guide us towards what we really want. You really can’t focus on getting what you want unless you’re clear on what you don’t want, what you don’t like, and how you truly feel.


That means allowing yourself to be angry, jealous, or insert another emotion here. Then really feel it.


How do I do that? Allowing yourself to feel anger doesn’t mean it’s okay to be in grumpy mood at work. It doesn’t mean dumping your emotions on other people. It also doesn’t mean spending days on end crying (although it is good to get a cry in here and there).


The best way to handle emotions as they come up is to feel them in your body. Notice where you are tense or uncomfortable. Acknowledge why they are there and what they are telling you. Then release them.


How?


If you have feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy or if something happens that frustrates you “conscious complaining” is a great release tool. I learned about conscious complaining from Karla McLaren’s book “The Language of Emotions”. To practice conscious complaining you need to give yourself 5 or 10 minutes a day in a room by yourself. Pick an object or part of a wall. Focus on that area and allow yourself to release all of your emotions verbally. Scream at it, yell at it, say whatever you need to say and then leave the room. The goal is not to fix yourself; you just want to release stored anger.


You’ll be amazed at how this short release done on specific things that are bothering you can have impact on your overall health and mental well being. You will feel better able to handle uncomfortable situations and may find it easier to relax. Releasing your resistance to feeling anger and other emotions will allow you to access what you feel more quickly. Having that clarity will assist you in getting what you want and attracting those things into your life.

As a recovering perfectionist, I felt very tickled when I heard this line from the movie Letters from Juliet: “Saying I’m a perfectionist, is just another way of saying: I’m too chicken to do it”. I can laugh at this now, because I see it’s the truth. And that’s not say that I never fall back into my perfectionist a.k.a. chicken ways, it just means I become aware of it when it happens.


If you’re right smack dab in the middle of perfectionism’s sticky web, it may take some time to pry its tangled web from you.


My suggestion is simple: Have some FUN! I know you’ve heard it before and probably did a small eye roll and thought: what’s the point? How will that help?


That leads me to my second cinematic piece of evidence: “The King’s Speech”. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. The King has a stuttering problem that has not been resolved despite years of speech therapy. His wife finds a very unique speech therapist who makes the King play, dance, and sing while he is trying to speak to distract him from being self-conscious of his stutter.


It worked for two reasons. First, it distracts the mind from all of the anxiety created by the thought of speaking. Secondly, it allows the accumulated stress that is stuck to be released and flow out of your body. That’s the most important part since we know what accumulated stress can do to our immune system.


There is no better way to get out of your mind and into your body then doing some form of play. It’s a way to allow yourself to experiment and be free of the distractions created by your perfectionist. This is why I suggest it to all of my clients whether they are suffering from mental distress like hating their job or physical distress like IBS or muscle tension. Regardless of the symptom, having fun always does the trick.


On a more personal note, I am the child of a parent who stutters. I have watched my parent struggle to get even the most basic words out in both social and private situations. I have seen how the speech impediment can make a person overly serious, frustrated, and angry. As I watched this movie, I saw the drastic change fun created in the King’s life. I began to wonder how different life might have been had my parent experienced the release of all that tension, let go of caution, and just played. It may seem like a simple, even silly request, but believe me it can work wonders.

I have been out of town for a few months and had the pleasure of finding two great hairstylists while I was away. Inspired by the great cuts I received, I decided to try out a new salon back home. I got a recommendation of a salon (not a stylist) from a friend and off I went.


Upon arriving at my appointment I was greeted by the stylist who said hello and put a cape over my shirt immediately. Before we even got to the sinks something felt off to me. I immediately felt uncomfortable. Instead of ignoring it I allowed myself to take in what I was feeling. Without more than a word or two she asked how I wanted my hair cut and washed my hair. I was thinking “wow this is the most unenthusiastic hair stylist I have ever met!”


It turned out that unenthusiastic was an understatement. She only talked to me once during the entire cut. If you’re a woman you know that hair stylists are usually chatter boxes who love getting to know you. It’s part of building a relationship with their clients. Perhaps this was a bad day for this stylist, but as a client it felt downright strange.


In the past, I would have probably kept talking; trying my best to entertain her in an effort to make myself feel better about the uncomfortable situation. I would also probably take it personally, wondering if there was something wrong with me. At some point later in the day my stomach would probably respond by hurting or acting up in various other ways. Why? Because I ignored the message my body was telling me about the situation.


But this time I did something drastically different…


I sat quietly and created a boundary of comfort around myself. I did this by imagining myself in a large round bubble protected from her energy and sitting firmly in my own space. In other words I didn’t take in anything that wasn’t mine, i.e. her emotions.


Why am I telling you this? Because you’re probably in tons of situations everyday where you are exposed to and picking up other people’s emotions. You may even be taking it personally, especially if you are a perfectionist, people pleaser, or just always trying to do the right thing.


The idea of creating a boundary is actually a great tool to have in your pocket, for any situation you may be in. The crazy boss, the annoying co-worker, or the people in the supermarket who are just plain out rude. Instead of wasting your time, energy, and emotions on externals that you will never be able to control, go within. Create and respect your space.


And let me know how it goes by sharing here…