Archive for August, 2011

Never say never… After years of avoiding, then months of dipping her feet in and looking longingly at ducks, I watched a once terrified dog jump in the water and swim! In human terms: FEAR + INTENSE DESIRE= TAKING THE PLUNGE !


** The dog pictured is not my dog Aspen, though she looks almost exactly the same!

I have a problem with surrendering. From my research I know the biggest step in giving up resistance is to surrender, but I’ve always been a rebel.


I can’t do it.


I’ve never been able to.


I’ve wanted to, but it doesn’t happen.


I fight it.


I think it’s the word. When I hear surrender, I see myself lying down on the ground white flag in hand. Lifeless.


And that doesn’t feel good to me.


When I envision it, it makes my mind and body want to jump up, go do, run, and be free.


It makes me want to “make something happen”.


Besides being a “doer”, I am also a pusher.


In the past, I’ve done a “good job” (she says sarcastically) at pushing myself past most mental anguish, physical pain, or limiting circumstances.


What I’ve realized is though the pushing gets things done, it feels like crap. To say it is difficult, draining, and completely counterproductive, is putting it mildly.


I know the pattern is a throwback from my childhood that it worked well in difficult situations.


This coping mechanism within me used to instruct me to ignore, push, and never surrender. Stopping was not a viable option. I followed my intuition as a child and these survival skills helped me in many ways. I wouldn’t be the person I am today or accomplished what I have if I had not followed my intuition at that point in my life. And I like who I have become.


But now the resistance to surrendering is not serving me.


I know I can’t undo or fix who I am and what made me that way, nor do I want to.


So I decided to choose a word that makes me feel empowered: release.


I can release my resistance.


I can release the pressure.


I can release my emotion.


I can release the notion of making the “right choice”.


For a situational control freak, being able to release feels so much better.


It soothes my childhood self need to have some control, but at the same time allows my adult self to be free.


I totally get it if the act of surrendering on any level is not your thing. I used to equate it with an image of lying flat out on the ground admitting you are powerless to change something.


Then I realized “surrendering” is optional, you can create the freedom you want your own way.


Here’s how I turned it around:


If you want to lower your resistance and create change, instead of forcing yourself into surrendering when it doesn’t feel comfortable to you, the question you should ask yourself is:


What word can I use and what action will I take to allow myself the freedom to let go of what doesn’t serve me anymore?


For me it was release, but for you it could be something entirely different.


Here’s to creating freedom and doing it your way!

I used to be a big time worrier. I would worry about everything: big, small or miniscule. From saying the “wrong” thing to the supermarket clerk to getting in trouble for some future mistake I hadn’t even made yet.


Worry consumed my mind most of the time. It was the biggest distraction I used to avoid my feelings and being in the present moment.


It disrupted my thoughts, goals, sleep, and conversations. I was always looking for assurance from others that my worries were not warranted.


It took a lot of practice and concentrated effort for me to beat it.


And it still creeps in like a lost friend sometimes.

Mostly in the middle of the night when all I desperately want is to get back to sleep.

Do you know the feeling?


If you are a client of mine, you know there are different techniques I use to combat worry: from recognizing feelings and needs to direct thought replacement.


The tool that works best for me for the middle of the night mind swirl is a mantra.


I still feel a little weird inside when I hear the word mantra. The image I get in my mind is a combination between a yogi sitting in full concentration (which I am not) and a Saturday night live skit making fun of a self-help guru.


But I put my hesitation aside because it works.


For the last three years that I have been doing this work my sleep has been better than it has been in my entire life.


But last night I found myself in a half sleep state mixed with worry and exhaustion. My body wanted desperately to sleep but my mind was creating all kinds of worry and doomsday scenarios to focus on. I found myself caught in it, but then I remembered the power of mantra.


I took a deep breath and repeated a phrase that was calming and empowering at the same time. I breathed in during the first half and breathed out during the second half.


I did this exactly three times and was back in a deep sleep.


Mantras are powerful. They help you stop the frantic thought wheel and reset your mind as well as calm your body.


They can be used at any time or in any situation: from a meeting at work to a family gathering. The only thing holding you back from trying it is your doubt and has that ever allowed you to sleep?


If the word mantra makes you feel a little resistant then call it something else. We talk babies to sleep with lullabies, so it’s really not that foreign of a concept. Give it your own name and pick phrases that are comforting and will make you feel good.


You can start by recognizing what worrying thoughts are causing the mind swirl and creating new words to turn them around.


I was having health concerns that crept into my head and were keeping me up at night. My mantra became I can create health for myself by giving my body all the rest and peace it needs. Those simple and sweet words worked instantly.


There’s no harm in trying! And I’d love to hear what works for you!

When a potential client who is interested in my services approaches me and they immediately start listing all the self-help books they have read; I become very curious. Why?  It reminds me of the phenomena I notice frequently that I have coined the “boob job effect”.


The “boob job effect” is when I hear a woman saying that she has low self-esteem and increasing her breast size will give her better self-esteem. I haven’t been able to pinpoint the logic on that one.


I have nothing against self-help books or boob jobs. I think self-help books are a great resource in gaining clarity about your patterns and creating a new game plan. What fascinates me is when people look to self help books or anything else for the quick fix to what they feel has been alluding them most of their lives.


When a potential client tells me that they’ve read everything self-help related or that they can’t get enough of a particular self-help guru, it gives me an indication of where they may be stuck.


Why?


Because constantly looking to books for the answers means they aren’t doing the real work. They are looking to a book for answers, but not looking within. Books can aid you in the inward search, but they can’t do it for you.


We often look to an expert to tell us what is wrong and to help us fix it. The problem with that kind of thinking is that when you look outside of yourself for the answer, it isn’t completely effective. We have all seen people who have changed their job or lost weight, but they still feel incomplete.


Fixing what is “wrong” about the circumstance can’t give you what you want; since what you are seeking is a feeling.


Reading all the books in the world cannot give you that: only you can.


You are the expert on you.


You have all the answers.


It’s just a matter of going within and listening.


How do you do that?


Here’s a couple of ways to get started:


1) Get quiet

2) Tap into your feelings

3) Notice what you react to

4) Be a scientist: observe, explore, and write

5) Make connections

6) Start making small changes and see what it feels like

7) Don’t look to others or “experts”. Trust yourself.


Trusting yourself does not always come naturally. It takes practice and you may need some help along the way. Instead of going it alone with a book, ask for help in the form of a mentor or coach. A coach doesn’t give you the answers; they show you how to become the expert on you.


Pick one of the seven things and get started today… I’d love to hear how it goes!