I was tempted to name this “attack of the killer bees”.  Then I thought that might be too dramatic.  As a child when there were bees buzzing around it did feel like attack of the killer bees. Feeling threatened I would always swat or do some other kind of frantic movement that just left me with not one, but usually many bee stings.

 

I felt threatened so I went into self-protection mode. The problem was my reaction intensified their reaction and the end result was never in my favor. I love metaphors so instantly I began to think of the way my brain works. How I used to (and still do at times) get caught up in a mind mess so heavy it does feel like bees buzzing around my head.

 

Then I read a short piece about a book called “ The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying” where the author Soygal Rinpoche compares the monkey mind to a beehive.

 

A ha! It came quite quickly and suddenly to me just the other day. If I start imagining and hearing the beehive when my thoughts are all bunched up it gives me perfect practice to flip my focus. Can you tell I’m a visual type of gal?

 

Think about it, bees are always buzzing and swarming around the hive. Much like our thoughts (usually the worry and anxiety filled ones) are constantly chattering away in our minds.  If we react frantically by swatting at them or moving our bodies too much, they attack.

 

I realized as I matured into an adult that I still followed the same reactive mode of self-protection.  When I began doing self-work and recognized my monkey mind and the havoc it was creating in my life I went full force after it. I tried everything: suppressing it, analyzing it, and even arguing with it. But I found that these efforts only intensified its existence. Then when I tried to flip my focus to something completely different it came right back like a magnet.

 

It was not until I imagined those thoughts as a beehive that I started to be able to separate myself from them.  As soon as I heard the buzzing I did what I should have done as a child: I stepped back.  I acknowledged them but they no longer pushed me along and I was no longer reactive to them. When you realize they will always be there and get comfortable with that, they can’t stand in your way.

 

If you find yourself obsessing over your health, your career or anything else imagine the beehive. What’s the smartest thing to do? Step back and flip your focus away from the thought of being stung. The bees may still be there but they won’t be the focus of our energy.

 

If you find yourself stuck in a mind mess try visualizing the beehive or any other image that helps you flip your focus from the chatter.

 

I feel better every time I use this tool. It helps me stop the mind chatter and calm my body down. It also helps me slow down. I realize I have more than enough time and there will always be something sweet waiting for me, so there’s no need to swarm myself with self criticism and doubt.

 

Try it! I’d love to hear what you come up with…

 

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais Nin

 

I realized recently that I was still carrying a piece of that in the bud person with in me. Though I have made huge strides over the last few years there was still the part of me who wanted to hide in the shadow. Avoid discomfort, conflict, or just plain speaking my mind.

 

The thing about that little bud, that “little part of me”, that I was carrying inside was that sometimes I relied on it too much. I used it as a way to hide, to step back, and to not let my feelings be heard. By not allowing myself to do all of those things I was not protecting myself.

 

And the cycle of not protecting myself had really bad consequences for my self-esteem. And for my body.

 

You see when I was not protecting myself and standing up for myself my body was feeling the effects. It was feelings the effects of the wave of emotions that came up while my mind was pushing it logically away. My stomach was in an uproar and my body was feeling anxious because I was not following my natural instinct to protect myself.

 

This came to light recently when I realized a website was posting personal information about my business and myself. This information had been supplied on a form I had filled out years ago and the company it was affiliated with no longer existed. However this website posted the information as a way to promote itself. It’s a search engine thing that I won’t even bother getting into.

 

Needless to say when I saw the site I had a full range of emotions from anger to fear. I felt violated. I felt victimized. I felt I had no control over who can see my personal information. I felt scared and started creating all kinds of doomsday scenarios.

 

Then I did what a lot of us women do: I talked to my husband about it. We located a contact number for the site and my husband suggested I call the next day. My immediate response was: you do it. Why did I say this? That was my hide “little me” talking. My alter ego who wanted to avoid conflict at all costs even if that meant victimizing myself in the process. I wanted someone else to do the protecting for me.

 

It feels weird to even write that since on a daily basis I view myself as an extremely forward thinking, very independent women who doesn’t like to be told what to do.  But I let myself give the power to him in the moment and said to myself “I’ll sleep on it”.

 

The next morning without even a minute of thought I realized I had to make the call.  I needed to make the call. This was about my safety, I had to give myself the power back and believe that I could handle it. I had to protect myself. Of course the person did not answer but I left a very clear and detailed message listing the fact that the information was no longer valid and my concerns about my personal safety. I did not ask for the information to be removed, I TOLD him to remove the information and call me when it was done.

 

Well I never received a call, but within 24 hours my profile on the site was removed. When I looked at the site and realized this I was surprised at how easy it had been. How I had wanted to avoid sticking up for myself. How there was still a part of me that wanted to hide and didn’t fully believe in me.

 

The thing is that the more you do for yourself the more the real you shows up. And the more that happens the less the “little” comes forward. Why? Because they know they are safe.

 

I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that now matter how much self “work” you do with yourself, there will always be these “imperfect”, vulnerable parts of you that resurface. And that’s okay. They are here for you to learn from and grow from. Just listen and you’ll know exactly what to do with them.

Everyone is looking for the answer.

 

They want to know the best way to get a healthier body, a better mindset, a relationship, or a new job.

 

They believe the answer is eluding them somehow. They should know it by now.

 

That’s when I tell them: they do.

 

It’s in their body. It’s in all our bodies. We all have it in equal measure. It is our inner voice, our intuition, and our inner wisdom. Call it what you like: it’s a part of us that’s always there waiting to be listened to.

 

When I tell my clients that all they need to do is listen to their bodies their first question is: “how long do you do meditate?” And then “you mean like yoga?” comes in a close second.

 

It seems that there is an idea floating around that meditation and yoga are the only ways to access our inner wisdom.

 

They are often surprised when I tell them that I don’t do conventional meditation and when I do get still it’s only for around 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Sure at first when I read a vast array of articles that prove the positive effects of meditation and yoga I thought it was a great idea. And I was getting good benefits from it. But at some point it felt like I was forcing myself to do it.  A few years ago I made the decision to trust what my body was telling me.

 

I didn’t stop doing meditation and yoga cold turkey; I just decided to do it my own way.  I put it when in my weekly schedule without a time limit and it gets done. What inspires me to keep doing it each week is I put no time restrictions on it or rules around it. I do it my way for however long or short I feel like it.

 

And it’s not the only way…

 

On some days exercise does the trick. Other days it is just spending time with images. It’s really about making the time be what I want it to be.

 

Not only does this help me relax my body, it makes me feel completely free. And in that freedom the “answers” come.

 

You can’t force clarity. You can’t force yourself into health. You can’t force yourself into a new career tomorrow.

 

The less you force, the more you hear.  Trust in yourself that you know exactly what you need and you’ll find the answers.

2011 was a really hard year for me. Quite possibly one of the hardest years of my life. So I probably shouldn’t have been surprised that I found myself with an upset and queasy stomach, as I got ready for a New Year’s party at a friend’s house. You see I had been at the same party with the same people last year. Only then everything was fresh and new, full of the promise that comes from creating a brand new life. I was finally doing what I had dreamed of.

 

I was surrounded by friends, my physical environment was beautiful, and everything with my business was going as planned.

 

Just a few months after that party, I was dealt with one disappointment after the next. By March I found myself broken down physically and mentally from an accident that I did not cause. By the beginning of July I was given a very unsavory diagnosis. Simple acts were now difficult and I had many fears of never being the same again. I also had left my “perfect” environment after the accident to get rehabilitated, separating me from my friends and what I loved to do.

 

After sitting with my feelings I realized that going back to the same party as last year made me realize what I had lost and reminded me of a perceived failure. In my mind I was looking at the party as a reminder of all that had went wrong and what I had lost.

 

Hence, the stomach pain and nausea. As soon as I went in to the party and connected with the pain, I began to accept it and myself. Then the pain lessened and the nausea disappeared. I realized everything was okay as it was. And so was I. I had lost many things last year, but gained much. Being with my friends and sharing my experience allowed me to heal in a way that I would not have done alone.

 

Had I stayed home or avoided feeling I would have missed a huge opportunity to come face to face with my pain. I would have continued lamenting and sitting with a stomach full of knots. I would have avoided feeling all together and stayed numb. Which never helps us mentally or physically in the long run.

 

Most importantly I would not have grown.  Even though I use the coaching tools I share with my clients daily, there are still times when I catch myself in my own pattern of avoidance. Then I sit and observe and allow myself to be imperfect.

 

In the New Year my best advice to you is to feel even when it is hard. Try feeling again even when your body distracts you. Then just accept you and love yourself regardless of how “good” you were at feeling your emotions. Then repeat.

It is definitely the time of year when we feel like everyone should be fa-la-laing and cheerful. We spend a lot of time decorating, baking, and planning parties. We want to create a perfect holiday and expect everyone to act accordingly.

 

Except they don’t.

 

And if you’re anything like me, you try to fix everything just right so everything feels good.

 

But you can’t.

 

That’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about the holidays and life in general. Fixing never works. It drains your energy and robs you of the present moment. It also doesn’t allow you to accept people for exactly what they are.

 

Way back, probably in your childhood, you learned if you tried really hard you could fix a situation and make everyone feel better. You may remember it as the childhood fantasy of changing grey skies to blue. It may have worked some of the time, but after awhile it just got frustrating. But you still did it because it’s what you knew how to do. And maybe others were relying on you to do it. So you did. And maybe you still do.

 

And that’s okay.

 

The best we can do is not try to force others to change or to change ourselves. Too many of us spend so much time in self sabotage we don’t even know what it’s like to have a minute, day, or year where we aren’t trying to force ourselves to be a certain way.

 

My holiday wish to you is to allow yourself to be whatever version of yourself that you really are. And be okay with it. You may overeat, argue with your mother, or forget to send out that gift. Instead of criticizing yourself for not being a better, more perfect version of yourself, do nothing about it. And you might notice something really peculiar… you relax and so do the people around you.

 

And if you find yourself laughing over a burnt dinner, oblivious to the family criticism or just floating on air in general, you’ll know you found the reason to fa-la-la this holiday season: being you.